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| Vederian | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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A lost soul wandering eternaly the universe to find his true self given by the Gods the watch over purgatory and the future promise of being a mortal ,he walks forever. Vederian unlike most beings feels no pain or at least blocks it out he hates all he sees and must learn much in order to protect his kind. Having made a solem promise to keep a mortal view Vederian respects the power of the human and kills only when needed but when the United States goverment learned of his existance they captured him . For 5 long years they kept him chained up and on a mind evaluation process which he was found to be insane as having multi personalities and the ability to sumon iron spikes from many directions tearing enemies to sheds thus the scientists reffered to him as "IMPALER" his deaths being many the gods continue to reanimate him but eventually rendering his genetic powers useless ........he is pure animal with very little human left to control his mind.......only final death can stop him .....and many of nights the humans can hear his yelling "THE BLOOD THE GLORIOUS BLOOD SHALL FLOW LIKE WINE" he continuse to walk till he dies TITLE: Self-defense Against Fresh Fruit Colonel (Graham Chapman): Get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major! Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout): Right sir! Good evening, class. All (mumbling): Good evening. Sargeant: Where's all the others, then? All: They're not here. Sgt.: I can see that. What's the matter with them? All: Dunno. Chapman (member of class): Perhaps they've got 'flu. Sgt.: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit. (Grumbles from all) Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week. Sgt.: What do you mean? Jones: We've done fruit the last nine weeks. Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? Palin: Can't we do something else? Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick? Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit... All: We done the passion fruit. Sgt.: What? Chapman: We done the passion fruit. Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit... Jones: Whole and segments. Palin: Pomegranates, greengages... Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit... Palin: Lemons... Jones: Plums... Chapman: Mangoes in syrup... Sgt.: How about cherries? All: We did them. Sgt.: Red *and* black? All: Yes! Sgt.: All right, bananas. (All sigh.) Sgt.: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless. Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch. Sgt.: Shut up. Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick. Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot. Chapman: 'Arrison. Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.) Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.) Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.) Palin: You shot him! Jones: He's dead! Idle: He's completely dead! Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless. Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead. Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana. Jones: But you told him to. Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit. Idle: And pointed sticks. Sgt.: Shut up. Palin: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun? Sgt.: Run for it. Jones: You could stand and scream for help. Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe. Jones: A pineapple? Sgt.: Where? Where? Jones: No I just said: a pineapple. Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one. Jones: What, on the pineapple? Sgt.: Where? Where? Jones: No, I was just repeating it. Sgt.: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach. Jones: Thompson. Sgt.: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it. Jones: No. Sgt.: Why not? Jones: You'll shoot me. Sgt.: I won't. Jones: You shot Mr. Harrison. Sgt.: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you. Idle: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks. Sgt.: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell. Jones: Throw the gun away. Sgt.: I haven't got a gun. Jones: You have. Sgt.: Haven't. Jones: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it. Sgt.: Oh, that gun. Jones: Throw it away. Sgt.: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun. Jones: You were going to shoot me! Sgt.: I wasn't. Jones: You were! Sgt.: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed... (Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones) Jones: Aaagh. Sgt.: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him. Palin: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight? Sgt.: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought. Palin: Well how many 16-ton weights are there? Sgt.: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others! Idle: Like what? Sgt.: Shootin' him? Palin: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight? Sgt.: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each. Palin: No guns. Sgt.: No. Palin: No 16-ton weights. Sgt.: No. Idle: No pointed sticks. Sgt.: Shut up. Palin: No rocks up in the ceiling. Sgt.: No. Palin: And you won't kill us. Sgt.: I won't. Palin: Promise. Sgt.: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me? Palin & Idle: Oh, all right. Sgt.: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger! (He does so. Growls. Screams.) Sgt.: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it... (Explosion.) _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Upper Class 'Twit of the Year' Scene: Sporting Field, in particular a running track. Five competitors run onto the pitch. Commentator (John Cleese): Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very litde sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you. (camera zooms in on the competitors) Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today. Now they're under starter's orders ... and they're off (the starter fires the gun, but nobody moves) Ah no, they're not. No they didn't realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go. (starter fires gun again and the twits move offer in different directions) Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year. Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line. (All the Twits run erratically along five white lines) They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through quite fast on theoutside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry, and on theoutside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position... (the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high) Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump.. three layers of matchboxes to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime - if only his father could understand. Here's Nigel ... and now Gervaise is over he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there.he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully. Now it's only Oliver. Oliver ... and Gervaise... oh bad luck. And now it's Kicking the Beggar. (the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray) Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here tie comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian a, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there's Oliver (Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes), there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, lie doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's Gervaise (He is still kicking the beggar) and he's putting the boot in there and he's got the beggar down and the steward's giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes. (the twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a photographer) Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here's Simon, he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian's through there and, er, Nigel's there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith. (shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old woman) And there's, there's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour. There's Vivian I think, no Vivian's lost his keys, no there's Vivian, he's got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbournow. (a man in bed in the middle of the pitch. The twit slams car door repeatedly) Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but he can't get this neighbour woken up. He's slamming away there as best he can. He's getting absolutely no reaction at all. There, he's woken him up and Simon's through. Here comes Vivian, Vivian to slam the door, and there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I think that's Gervaise there, that's Gervaise going through there, and here, here comes Oliver, brave Oliver. Is he going to make it to the table, no I don't think he is, yes he is, (twit falls over the table) he did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to him there, and there I can see, who is that there, yes that's Nigel, Nigel has woken the neighbour - my God this is exciting. Nigel's got very excited and he's going through and here comes Gervaise. Gervaise, oh no this is, er, out in the front there is Simon who is supposed to insult the waiter and he's forgotten. (Simon runs past a waiter standing with a tray) And Oliver has run himself over, (Oliver lying in front of car) what a great twit! And now here comes Vivian, Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating him, there and he's gone into the lead. Simon's not with him, no Vivian's in front of him at the bar. (the twits each have several goes at getting under a bar of wood five feet off the ground) Simon's got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination between mind and body. No Vivian isn't there. Here we go again and Simon's fallen backwards. Here's Nigel, he's tripped, Nigel has tripped, and he's under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise, and Simon is through by accident. Here's Gervaise to be the last one over, there we are, hero's Nigel right at the head of the field, (the twits approach five rabbits staked out on the Found; they fire at them with shotguns) and now he's going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they're going to be a bit frisky, and this is only a one-day event. And they're blazing away there. They're not getting quite the results that they might, Gervaise is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle, and I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot. But they've had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they've had a couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are. (they approach a line of shopwindow dummies each wearing only a bra) They're coming up to the debs, Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third. And now they've got to take the bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they're having a bit of trouble in there I think, they're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too. (the twits are wreaking havoc on the dummies) Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through, Simon's in second place, and, no there's Oliver, he's not necessarily out of it. There goes Nigel, no he's lost something, and Gervaise running through to this final obstacle. (they approach a table with five revolvers laid out on it) Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves. Simon has a shot. Bad luck, he misses. Nigel misses. Now there's Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself- Gervaise is Upperclass Twit of the Year. There's Nigel, he's shot Simon by mistake, Simon is back up and there's Nigel, Nigel's shot himself: Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass Twit of the Year Show I've ever seen. Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place. (three coffins on stand with medals) And so the final result: The Upperclass Twit of the Year - Gervaise Brook-Hampster. Runner up - Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith Third - Nigel Incubator-Jones Well there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight. by monty python | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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Rememberance of light by Aaron Kerschner Brought upon by the suns dismay the earths life does lay away. When the sun went down long long ago the moon brought upon darkness shown. The magic gone and green faded the war in which was stated. The Death Bringer here for now look away thy evil eye thy sinner. Darkness long life be short the blood flows like a river. the lies show still , die and grow, the flames now decreated. Upon he rock, the human soul does death bring on winter. The suns warmth soon thy spirit do, thy sword and thy honor. May there be showed light to thee, may thee lift your voice in praises. Upon the river of still water the boat of life does wander. And the freeze shall engult all of theeplacing all forever in glitter gold. for the glory the peace and victory from the east of the sun to the west. Light and wind from the north. Death not least from the south thy show your face casting shadow. For the light the world to the death of evil. For the good of earth. The creatures roam forever to disolve the chains which bind us all and the sun shall shine again. THE END | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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